Setting Boundaries during the Holidays

   

The holidays are coming. You probably will have extra demands on your already busy lives. If you’re like me, you may feel pressure to take on more than you can comfortably handle.  You will probably struggle to balance your own needs with increased family obligations.  The holidays can cause stress more than any time of the year. Therefore, set your boundaries!

With so many different personalities “forced” to be together its understandable how some people with difficult family members can dread the holidays.

Here are some ideas to help you be prepared;

Setting Boundaries with children

            For young children setting a boundary can be as simple as you deciding before hand how much Santa will spend on them and then not going over the limit if they ask for something unrealistic.

            For grown children, I suggest you let them know what Mom and Dad will or will not do (babysit or lend you money).

Setting Boundaries with Grandparents

            Grandparents mean well, but sometimes they can cross over your boundaries by letting the grandchild eat candy right before dinner. Be sure and explain the rules to the grandparents before they arrive.

            If your child(ren)’s grandparent are not good role models for young children, let the grandparent know if and when you don’t want your child exposed to that lifestyle/behavior.

Setting Boundaries over Addictions

            Holidays can be extremely stressful if a family member is addicted to alcohol. If those family members are coming over, inform them that alcohol won’t be offered. And, insist they NOT bring their own. If you plan to visit a relative who abuses alcohol, warn the alcoholic relative that the family will leave if the drinking gets out of hand.

Try to lower your expectations. Pay attention to what you are anticipating, hoping everything will run perfectly just because it’s Thanksgiving or Christmas. Not many families have a Norman Rockwell family holiday. Be realistic about what to expect.

Setting Boundaries to prevent a family fight and your stress level from rising

            You’re not looking forward to grandma’s fruitcake and dreading the question she asks every year: ”Isn’t it time you had a baby?” Instead of secretly wishing she gets sick and can’t make it, adjust your attitude. Remind yourself she’s probably not trying to annoy you. 

For many of us, that also means dealing with family members, some of whom may not respect our choices. These choices can range from what we eat, to how much time we want to spend with them, to what we wear, to who we sleep with.

In other words, you may be hearing a lot of:

“Why don’t we see you more?”

“Where’s that boyfriend of yours?”

“Are you sure you want a second piece of cake?”

These are just a few examples, and I’m sure at least one resonated with you

Maybe it’s not those pesky questions from relatives that you dread but a sister or other family member that’s angry. Acknowledge the problem and request a holiday truce. Say something like, “I’m sorry we had a misunderstanding or disagreement – can we put it behind us during the holidays?”

Here’s an example,  Let’s say you’re staying with your family of origin Christmas Eve Day and Christmas Day (which fall on a Friday and Saturday this year), and your mom really wants you to stay through Sunday night. You, on the other hand, really want to leave Saturday evening so that you have Sunday to relax before a really heavy workweek.

 If you don’t set this boundary, you may end up with a lot of negative effects. You feel resentful toward your family for “making” you stay the full weekend.

 Your boundary would sound something like this: “Mom, you know I love to spend time with you and I know you want me to stay for the whole weekend, but I’ve decided to head back on Saturday night because I have a crazy week coming up at work. So let’s just make the most of the time I’m here, okay?”

See, in this example, you’re being very clear about how much you love your mother, and yet you’re setting a boundary by also being clear about the choice that you’ve made. And because it’s the holiday season, here’s something you can use when you’re dealing with relatives who like to make comments about what you eat, or your weight or anything else that’s totally inappropriate:

“I know you’re concerned about me, but I don’t feel comfortable when you comment on what I eat or my weight, so please don’t do that again.”

            Always steer clear of politics and religion during dinner. If someone makes a comment about a controversial issue, acknowledge the comment without responding to it. For example, Your uncle gets on a political rant, say something like, ”I’m glad you care so much about the welfare of our country, please pass the mashed potatoes.”

Focus on the Reason for the Season

            Be sure to place an emphasis on the Christ of Christmas. This will keep you grounded and able to deal with anything that may come your way.

Take good Care of Yourself

Here are four tips for authentic holiday cheer and improved self-confidence:

1.    Say “yes” when you really mean yes.

2.    Say “no” when you really mean no.

3.    Say, “I’m not sure about that – but I’ll get back to you,” when I’ve/we’ve decided. (and do follow through)

4.    Say, “I apologize if this is disruptive for you, but after thinking about ________ ,  I/we realize that that doesn’t really work for me/our family this year, so I/we won’t be able to ________.

To your success in setting boundaries this holiday and taking care of yourself.