Setting Boundaries during the Holidays

   

The holidays are coming. You probably will have extra demands on your already busy lives. If you’re like me, you may feel pressure to take on more than you can comfortably handle.  You will probably struggle to balance your own needs with increased family obligations.  The holidays can cause stress more than any time of the year. Therefore, set your boundaries!

With so many different personalities “forced” to be together its understandable how some people with difficult family members can dread the holidays.

Here are some ideas to help you be prepared;

Setting Boundaries with children

            For young children setting a boundary can be as simple as you deciding before hand how much Santa will spend on them and then not going over the limit if they ask for something unrealistic.

            For grown children, I suggest you let them know what Mom and Dad will or will not do (babysit or lend you money).

Setting Boundaries with Grandparents

            Grandparents mean well, but sometimes they can cross over your boundaries by letting the grandchild eat candy right before dinner. Be sure and explain the rules to the grandparents before they arrive.

            If your child(ren)’s grandparent are not good role models for young children, let the grandparent know if and when you don’t want your child exposed to that lifestyle/behavior.

Setting Boundaries over Addictions

            Holidays can be extremely stressful if a family member is addicted to alcohol. If those family members are coming over, inform them that alcohol won’t be offered. And, insist they NOT bring their own. If you plan to visit a relative who abuses alcohol, warn the alcoholic relative that the family will leave if the drinking gets out of hand.

Try to lower your expectations. Pay attention to what you are anticipating, hoping everything will run perfectly just because it’s Thanksgiving or Christmas. Not many families have a Norman Rockwell family holiday. Be realistic about what to expect.

Setting Boundaries to prevent a family fight and your stress level from rising

            You’re not looking forward to grandma’s fruitcake and dreading the question she asks every year: ”Isn’t it time you had a baby?” Instead of secretly wishing she gets sick and can’t make it, adjust your attitude. Remind yourself she’s probably not trying to annoy you. 

For many of us, that also means dealing with family members, some of whom may not respect our choices. These choices can range from what we eat, to how much time we want to spend with them, to what we wear, to who we sleep with.

In other words, you may be hearing a lot of:

“Why don’t we see you more?”

“Where’s that boyfriend of yours?”

“Are you sure you want a second piece of cake?”

These are just a few examples, and I’m sure at least one resonated with you

Maybe it’s not those pesky questions from relatives that you dread but a sister or other family member that’s angry. Acknowledge the problem and request a holiday truce. Say something like, “I’m sorry we had a misunderstanding or disagreement – can we put it behind us during the holidays?”

Here’s an example,  Let’s say you’re staying with your family of origin Christmas Eve Day and Christmas Day (which fall on a Friday and Saturday this year), and your mom really wants you to stay through Sunday night. You, on the other hand, really want to leave Saturday evening so that you have Sunday to relax before a really heavy workweek.

 If you don’t set this boundary, you may end up with a lot of negative effects. You feel resentful toward your family for “making” you stay the full weekend.

 Your boundary would sound something like this: “Mom, you know I love to spend time with you and I know you want me to stay for the whole weekend, but I’ve decided to head back on Saturday night because I have a crazy week coming up at work. So let’s just make the most of the time I’m here, okay?”

See, in this example, you’re being very clear about how much you love your mother, and yet you’re setting a boundary by also being clear about the choice that you’ve made. And because it’s the holiday season, here’s something you can use when you’re dealing with relatives who like to make comments about what you eat, or your weight or anything else that’s totally inappropriate:

“I know you’re concerned about me, but I don’t feel comfortable when you comment on what I eat or my weight, so please don’t do that again.”

            Always steer clear of politics and religion during dinner. If someone makes a comment about a controversial issue, acknowledge the comment without responding to it. For example, Your uncle gets on a political rant, say something like, ”I’m glad you care so much about the welfare of our country, please pass the mashed potatoes.”

Focus on the Reason for the Season

            Be sure to place an emphasis on the Christ of Christmas. This will keep you grounded and able to deal with anything that may come your way.

Take good Care of Yourself

Here are four tips for authentic holiday cheer and improved self-confidence:

1.    Say “yes” when you really mean yes.

2.    Say “no” when you really mean no.

3.    Say, “I’m not sure about that – but I’ll get back to you,” when I’ve/we’ve decided. (and do follow through)

4.    Say, “I apologize if this is disruptive for you, but after thinking about ________ ,  I/we realize that that doesn’t really work for me/our family this year, so I/we won’t be able to ________.

To your success in setting boundaries this holiday and taking care of yourself.

 

In your adult life, has anyone ever asked you, “What do you want?” Not a frivolous, what kind of ice cream do you want, but a more serious important, “What do you want?”

It’s a simple question, but as simple as the question might be, identifying the answer is often anything but.

My therapist asked me that question once, when I was venting about how frustrated I was at the people and place I was working. My answer was, “I want to quit.” Looking back at that moment, I realize my therapist was helping me understand that I was free to seek a place and people I wanted to work for. It was my responsibility to know what was right for me.

What you really want may not be in the area of a job or career that can happen over a week’s time. But, knowing what you want is worth working toward because you can ensure that you are taking steps to live the life that is really yours and not trying to live someone else’s.

When we don’t know what we want or never honestly ask ourselves this question we lose time. We may end up moving forward but not in the right direction.

Another cost of not knowing what we want and not living the life we want – a life that feels unfulfilling because you aren’t doing what best suits you.

Sometimes we may not actually know what we want or even why we want it. That was the case with me in the story above. Our intense desires seem so unattainable that we stuff them aside to do what we think we are supposed to do or to avoid pain.

But, if we are genuinely interested in self-improvement, we can’t be satisfied unless we consciously acknowledge what we really want.

Finding what we want

            As I progressed into knowing what I wanted, here are some of the things I had to examine. They might help you to examine what you want,

•      First, I found out what I didn’t want. Think about what makes you unhappy, frustrated, and bored and then about how you can create a life that avoids as many of those problems as possible. For example, I hated working full time. I don’t like being around superficial people, and I don’t want work that lacks meaning.  
•       I thought about the kinds of experiences I wanted to have and what life with those experiences in it would look like. For example, I want to work with a group of people in ministry. I love Team ministry.
•    I also thought about what accomplishments have made me most proud? They have been the ones that I created a group and we accomplished a project together. Your answer might have nothing to do with a hard-won A or a trophy — it might be the time you stuck up for someone who needed your help. What you’re proud of can help you see what matters most to you.   
•      I had to answer this question, “Who do you look up to?” The people you admire — whether they’re celebrities, historical figures or people you know personally — can tell you something about who you are and what you value. Consider what it is about them you like and whether those qualities are worth reaching for. I have always been drawn to leaders who have the qualities of acceptance and forgiveness in their leadership.
•   Another question I had to answer is, “What are some things you feel you do well?” I lead groups well. In fact, I love groups; I think we can learn a lot more from a group than just one person. Think about the talents you already know you have, and ask friends and family what they think you’re good at. You might be surprised by what they say.

Pausing to ask yourself what exactly you want – not what you think you should want or what others want you to want or want for you – can be surprisingly enlightening and maybe even enjoyable.

Most importantly, I believe we must honestly look at what God wants for us along with what we want. To look at these both together we’ll find our discernment journey has authenticity.

Over time we will discover that what we really want is what God wants for us and it is exactly the way he created us to be. We can know that His faithfulness to us allows us to let go of the idea of what we wanted and place it in his hands trusting He will return something better to us.

“Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 27:4

I think this verse means if we place our desires in what the Lord wants to do in our lives, He will give us the desires of our hearts which are really the desires for us that are the best for us.

As I get older, and maybe more humble I want to want what God wants, because He knows what I really want and will help me know what that is.

I challenge you to take action in the direction of what most aligns with your desires as you let God reveal His desires for you.

Need help? I’d love to come along side you as your coach to get you started.