Lessons learned through 50 years of marriage

       

 

    Lessons learned through 50 years of Marriage

Dave and I have been married 50 years this month. Over the years we have raised three kids, led active church lives, and had a million or more disagreements.

50 years. Lots of hard work, risks, I'm sorry’ s, dishes, kisses, arguments, ideas, I love you's, tears, cringes, and much more.  But more than anything, still standing together.

Leo Tolstoy said, "What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility." 

To that point, Dave and I aren't magically compatible. He is an engineer type, I am an introverted therapist…He is relatively extroverted, I am introverted.

He has many band friends, plays a mean trombone, and always makes me coffee in the morning. He can remember all our former phone numbers and other trivia. He is courageous with his music and generous with his love - with me, with our children, with anyone he meets. 50 years is a long time and yet somehow goes by in a blink. I wouldn't trade a moment of our life together for anything.

Here are a few things we have and still are learning on this marriage journey:

We have practiced mutual submission. 

There are many times when we have deferred to the wishes and desires of the other.

It’s a give and take relationship. We may be equals and treat each other as such, but there are times when one of us takes a whole lot more than the other, when it's more like 80/20. And the pendulum swings both ways.

Those whose studied marriages that survive fifty years, found that their vows have proved to be ‘more than a scrap of paper.’ For whatever reason, they have created a space within which the two “partners” have chosen to make the accommodations that staying married required. 

I like what one married 50 years or more husband said, “We talk things over. If we have a problem, we talk about it. She’s usually right, and that’s the truth.” But reality is we are both right just at different times and about different things.

We give each other personal space.

We are very different people with very different interests. Because Dave knows I need time to regroup after a time with groups of ministry leaders or friends he gives me that space without making me feel guilty. If I want to take a day or weekend away with some lady friends, he encourages me to go. Too many married people take it personally if their spouses have interests apart from the relationship. If my husband loves to play music, I’ve learned it’s not in my best interest to give him guilt and pain every time he wants to go play in another band. I know he HAS to do music so I don’t fuss about his being out four nights or more per week.

I’m a fairly self-contained person – I live in my head. I can be silent and reading, working or just puttering around the house- that’s just who I am. Thankfully, Dave knows this about me – most of the time – he lets me be. Likewise I leave him alone during band concert season when he has places to go and practices to keep.

We have learned Acceptance

 We are learning the serenity to “accept the things we cannot change, and find the courage to change the things we can.”(Serenity prayer)

We have a solid marriage, not because we’re more spiritual, more romantic but because we have learned and are still learning to choose daily to be the right person. 

We see retirement as an opportunity to minister.

Dave has been officially retired from work for 2 years, I may never officially retire because I work part time at home and can do what I do (coach and counsel) from my office chair. We are staying busy doing things that matter to God, family and in ministry. Dave has become a leader in helping local refugees learn the computer.  I champion women to conquer their codependent behaviors, and lead Celebrate Recovery Ministry locally. We invest into the lives of our grandchildren, though having them live far away prevents the quality time we desire. The point is we expect our retirement days to be filled with purpose.

Marriage is tough, but here's the thing -- it matters.

Knowing someone has your back all the time is worth all the hard work and infuriating moments.

And having someone's hand to hold in the middle of the night makes it all worthwhile.

There are few magic formulas beyond doing things God's way with God's help. What we’ve learned in 50 years is that staying married is an even greater act of faith than getting married in the first place.  Staying married requires us to have faith in God, faith that God is capable of healing the deepest wounds, faith that God can overcome the problems that seem impossible.

How Coaching has changed my life!

I have always been a learner of personal development. I read, listen to and watch almost everything I can get my hands on to learn about myself. Coaching has brought my learning and growth to a whole new level.
Since I've embarked on developing myself as a coach and had the privilege of being coached here are the many things that have changed in my life:
I have been challenged to think about what I really want in life.
I am now free to think about what I want, not what I "SHOULD want."
It has been pointed out to me the negative things I was telling myself.
My coach believes in me more than I believe in myself.
My coach has been a sounding board for my ideas, thoughts and fears.
My coach has helped me see my "limiting beliefs".
I'm clearer about who I am and I'm not so rocked by the world and others.
I am more likely to act in congruence with my values and intentions.
I feel healthier than ever.

If you'd like the support of a coach to have some of these changes in your life email me at Terrylynn2005@comcast.net and I'll give you an hour of my coaching for half price.

Are you in a woman's small group?

Are you in a woman's small group; one where you encourage each other and have more than a few good laughs? Are you developing trust there?
I have such a group (we call ourselves the Velveteen Women). We've been meeting together for 12+ years. When you experience true, God-honoring relationships through groups, you want more. And while I have other groups that fit that criteria ( through my profession; Coaching Circles, and Celebrate Recovery ), I still can't stop thinking what other groups are possible.
There still can be some negative experiences in these groups, but we talk about our issues/differences and move to a better, deeper relationship. I am thankful for the women in my life who love Jesus and want more from their relationship with Him and each other than superficial Sunday School answers.
If you're looking for true, God-honoring relationships with women email me with your ideas for topics and issues we can develop a group around.
Question for you? What would you tell younger Christian women about the need for true relationships if you had a bunch of them together for a day?

 

Claim Your Independence

Can a Codependent really be free? What does a codependent need independence from? Don’t get me started… there’s a lot to be set free from, especially if you’re new to recovery.

For many women codependents  - what they most need independence from is fear and limiting beliefs. They need freedom from the fear to fight for what they want and freedom from their denial and the “shoulds” in their life.

            What I offer you today are suggestions and ideas to help you Claim Your Independence and win the battle in your mind that tells you you’re stuck forever.

 7 Steps

       1. Decide who you are and be that person NOW.
                  Don’t rely on others observations of you. They haven’t/aren’t living your life.                   Define yourself with your values and be what you’ve defined. Seek, through scripture, 
                      what God says about who you are.

2. Surround yourself with people who validate you. 

           Spend your time with people who make you feel proud to be who you are. Choose                    to be with people who see, hear, and understand you.  If your family doesn’t “get                     you,” love and accept them anyway and be polite when you’re with them.

       3. Own the good things about you.
            Get to know and value what others see and value in you. 
            (How about asking some of them?)  
             That’s how you’ll grow what’s naturally good in you. You can’t share or give what you don’t
             truly own. Before I found my own independence, feeling free to be who I am was scary.
             Once I decided to be who I am, surround myself with people who “get me” (not everyone
             “gets me” still), and learn what I have to offer – I discovered that living free is possible
              and it feels good!
          4. Get to know what to fight for.
               What do you need that you do not yet have? Respect, validation, understanding, to be
               listened to, etc. ?
         5. Daily practice and attend to building your faith and belief in God’s power to
               help you Recovery.

          6. Find a group, seminar or coaching circle where you’ll have the opportunity to learn

               and build a team to support you.

 7. Get a coach to help you see things you may not be aware of and help you keep moving toward freedom.

As you celebrate today and all it means to our country, I invite you to consider and reflect on some of the things I’ve shared today and take this opportunity to declare that today is Your Independence Day too!
Which Step do you need to take?
Go ahead, celebrate today! Go ahead start to claim your independence today!
Take the time to acknowledge all the good things in your life, your country, your independence.
Please, let me know if this is helpful. Pass it on to a codependent friend. THANKS

 Register for The 3rd Annual Codependence Retreat, August 24, 2013
TerryLynn2005@comcast.net

A Little Girl Lost
 

As a codependent I have worked very hard to understand my childhood. Have you? If you are codependent, understanding your childhood is one of the major items in your recovery. We all have within us a God- given hunger for love. I refer to this hunger as depletion in our “love tank.” Sometimes I have a woman client write a letter to herself describing her childhood love tank, its emptiness or level of love and nurturance she received.  In an exercise like this, the client will consider hurtful things in childhood that may have caused her codependency.

Here is what I've learned when I did that exercise. I hope it will inspire you to look at your childhood and understand it also.

I was part of a big family (6 siblings including my twin sister). I now understand that my primary unmet need was for focused attention. I was always “one of the twins”.

On top of that, I was the “quiet one” and never learned to speak up until I was a young adult.  I felt that my thoughts and feelings didn’t matter. Validation with empathy was missing.

            All of us want to be listened to and understood. We want to be appreciated for who we are individually. Now, when I compare my parents against some of the parents of my codependent clients, my parents were really good parents! They did the best they knew and all of my siblings are healthy and productive even though they probably have hurtful memories and hang-ups, but don’t we all! In your childhood were there unmet emotional needs that robbed you of significant nurturance?

Most people will have better lives and healthier relationships when they deal with unhappy issues from their childhood. One of the first steps in recovery is to identify the factors that prevented your love tank from being adequately filled. Eventually we can understand how our unconscious unmet needs of the past affect our present behavior.

I believe I have successfully conquered some of the symptoms and characteristics of an adult codependent; such as approval seeking, inability to be assertive and to express feelings. Yet, there are times when I fall back into one or more of these.

 Fortunately, I am so much better now.

 I am truly grown up and it feels good. Better late than never at 67!! 

Come to River Haven’s 3^rd annual Codependent retreat, August 24^th and do the work of understanding your childhood. Register at Terrylynn2005@comcast.net

The Lessons I'm Learning from the Velveteen Rabbit

I'm finding many women are like me, they find it difficult to admit they lack self acceptance. It's hard to accept yourself when you don't know who you are and don't think you are valuable enough to be loved the way you are.
The answer I found is in the classic Children's tale, The Velveteen Rabbit: "Real isn't how you are made, it's a thing that happens to you when a child loves you for a long, long time."
Whenever we encounter and receive unconditional love from someone it can't help but bring us personal freedom and acceptance. This freedom allows us to become our true selves; free to express ourselves without fear of rejection, judgment or ridicule. Also, this new freedom allows us to give the same unconditional love to others.
As Christians, we need safe relationships to learn and keep experiencing unconditional love and acceptance. We need to ask ourselves, "What are you doing with the love God has freely given to you"? Are we rejecting it because we don't feel valuable enough? We need reminders of what God's love is all about.
So, I offer groups (Coaching Circles, therapy groups) so women can explore in unconditional, safe environments, who they are, find self-acceptance, succeed at being themselves, and find the confidence and freedom to be who God created them to be.
Interested in the next Coaching Circle? Contact me at terrylynn2005@comcast.net
I am enjoying the journey on the road to REAL and helping other women get on the journey with me.

Here are some resources I have found helpful in the search to "Find the Real Me":
The Velveteen Rabbit, Margery Williams
The Velveteen Woman, Brenda Waggonner
The Real Me, Being the girl God sees, Natalie Grant
How to Succeed at being Yourself, Joyce Meyer
Building a Compassionate Relationship with Yourself, Kim Fredrickson
Lessons I'm learning from the Velveteen Rabbit