As a codependent I have worked very hard to understand my
childhood. Have you? If you are codependent, understanding your childhood
is one of the major items in your recovery. We all have within us a God- given
hunger for love. I refer to this hunger as depletion in our “love tank.”
Sometimes I have a woman client write a letter to herself describing her
childhood love tank, its emptiness or level of love and nurturance she received.
In an exercise like this, the client
will consider hurtful things in childhood that may have caused her
codependency.
Here is what I've learned when I did that exercise. I hope
it will inspire you to look at your childhood and understand it also.
I was part of a big family (6 siblings including my twin
sister). I now understand that my primary unmet need was for focused attention.
I was always “one of the twins”.
On top of that, I was the “quiet one” and never learned to
speak up until I was a young adult. I
felt that my thoughts and feelings didn’t matter. Validation with empathy was
missing.
All of us
want to be listened to and understood. We want to be appreciated for who we are
individually. Now, when I compare my parents against some of the parents of my
codependent clients, my parents were really good parents! They did the best
they knew and all of my siblings are healthy and productive even though they
probably have hurtful memories and hang-ups, but don’t we all! In
your childhood were there unmet emotional needs that robbed you of significant
nurturance?
Most people will have better lives and healthier
relationships when they deal with unhappy issues from their childhood. One of
the first steps in recovery is to identify the factors that prevented your love
tank from being adequately filled. Eventually we can understand how our
unconscious unmet needs of the past affect our present behavior.
I believe I have successfully conquered some of the symptoms
and characteristics of an adult codependent; such as approval seeking,
inability to be assertive and to express feelings. Yet, there are times when I
fall back into one or more of these.
Fortunately, I am so
much better now.
I am truly grown up and
it feels good. Better late than never at 67!!
Come to River Haven’s 3rd annual Codependent retreat, August 24th and do the work of understanding your childhood. Register at Terrylynn2005@comcast.net
