Lessons learned through 50 years of Marriage
Dave and I have been
married 50 years this month. Over the years we have raised three kids, led
active church lives, and had a million or more disagreements.
50 years. Lots of
hard work, risks, I'm sorry’ s, dishes, kisses, arguments, ideas, I love you's,
tears, cringes, and much more. But more
than anything, still standing together.
Leo Tolstoy said, "What counts
in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you
deal with incompatibility."
To that point, Dave and I aren't magically compatible. He
is an engineer type, I am an introverted therapist…He is relatively extroverted,
I am introverted.
He has many band
friends, plays a mean trombone, and always makes me coffee in the morning. He
can remember all our former phone numbers and other trivia. He is courageous with his music and generous with his
love - with me, with our children, with anyone he meets. 50 years is a long
time and yet somehow goes by in a blink. I wouldn't trade a moment of our life together
for anything.
Here are a few things we have and still are learning on
this marriage journey:
We have practiced mutual
submission.
There are many times when we have deferred to the wishes
and desires of the other.
It’s a give and take relationship. We may be equals and
treat each other as such, but there are times when one of us takes a whole lot
more than the other, when it's more like 80/20. And the pendulum swings both
ways.
Those whose studied
marriages that survive fifty years, found that their vows have proved to be
‘more than a scrap of paper.’ For
whatever reason, they have created a space within which the two “partners” have chosen to make the accommodations
that staying married required.
I like what one married 50 years or more husband said,
“We talk things over. If we have a problem, we talk about it. She’s usually
right, and that’s the truth.” But reality is we are both right just at
different times and about different things.
We give each other personal space.
We are very different people with very different
interests. Because Dave knows I need time to regroup after a time with groups
of ministry leaders or friends he gives me that space without making me feel
guilty. If I want to take a day or weekend away with some lady friends, he
encourages me to go. Too many married people take it personally if their
spouses have interests apart from the relationship. If my husband loves to play
music, I’ve learned it’s not in my best interest to give him guilt and pain
every time he wants to go play in another band. I know he HAS to do music so I
don’t fuss about his being out four nights or more per week.
I’m a fairly self-contained person – I live in my head. I
can be silent and reading, working or just puttering around the house- that’s
just who I am. Thankfully, Dave knows this about me – most of the time – he
lets me be. Likewise I leave him alone during band concert season when he has
places to go and practices to keep.
We have learned Acceptance
We are learning the serenity to “accept the things we cannot change, and
find the courage to change the things we can.”(Serenity prayer)
We have a solid marriage, not
because we’re more spiritual, more romantic but because we have learned and are
still learning to choose daily to be the right person.
We see retirement as an opportunity
to minister.
Dave has been officially retired from work for 2 years, I
may never officially retire because I work part time at home and can do what I
do (coach and counsel) from my office chair. We are staying busy doing things
that matter to God, family and in ministry. Dave has become a leader in helping
local refugees learn the computer. I
champion women to conquer their codependent behaviors, and lead Celebrate
Recovery Ministry locally. We invest into the lives of our grandchildren,
though having them live far away prevents the quality time we desire. The point
is we expect our retirement days to be filled with purpose.
Marriage is tough, but here's the thing -- it matters.
Knowing someone has your back all the time is worth all
the hard work and infuriating moments.
And having someone's hand to
hold in the middle of the night makes it all worthwhile.
